I got to tell you, I’m a fan of this new Cold War stuff. Honestly, I really am. I am not exactly sure what Putin is up to these days, but if we are going to do this again, I say let’s do it right. It’s not that I want to go to war with Russia or anything. It’s just that something feels right about Russia being the bad guys. I hit this topic earlier in the blog with my article, 5 Reasons Russia Will Always be the Bad Guys. However, since then, Putin has been stepping up the game a little bit and it would appear that we are heading in the direction towards a good ole fashioned, East versus West, Rocky versus Drago, and good versus evil straight up Cold War. And I like it. Reagan would approve. The world needs it. This whole ISIS thing is fun and all, but to be honest, the Middle East just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I have been there, done that, and gotten the t-shirt. I literally have a t-shirt from my time in Iraq. So while we hopefully continue to mop up on our goat loving friends in the Caliphate, it’s time we get ready for the big boys. So I’d like to offer Russian President Vladimir Putin 3 ways he can get this new Cold War up and running faster.
Do something dastardly in Europe. Well wait a minute you say, he is invading Ukraine. He annexed Crimea. Well, if I am being perfectly honest with you, the mental map in my head still hasn’t changed much since 6th grad Social Studies class from 1990. So when I hear about him doing that stuff in Ukraine, I have to remind myself that this is actually not part of the Soviet Union anymore. I mean don’t get me wrong. I am a little bit impressed the Russian propaganda machine going strong in Ukraine. I mean, the balls on this guy Putin. We live in the age of 24 hour media, cell phones, and cell phone cameras. We have video and pictures of Russian tanks streaming into Ukraine and his response? Nope. What tanks? I don’t see no stinking tanks. It’s fascinating. But it partly works, because I truthfully think that most of the world is like me. They don’t really consider these parts as full on Europe.
So my suggestion Mr. Putin, head West. Not with a full scale invasion or something, just do something to really strike an image with us in the west. Berlin is a good start. We consider that full fledged Europe. Perhaps you could buy some property there and build a big wall around it for old times sake. That one really got us going. Perhaps you could find a young daredevil to hoist a large Hammer and Sickle flag on top of the Eiffel Tower. That’s a bold statement and would make for quite the propaganda. So if we are going to do this new Cold War thing right, we just need something a little more in your face and a little more in the Europe that I remember from 6th grade Social Studies.
Send in the Navy – Right now, Putin has this thing going on where Russia is sending a few bombers here and there, flying around the world, and buzzing near Western Air Space. That’s a good try. But unless you are going to drop Nukes, which you are not, then honestly it’s not very menacing at all. Your planes are here one minute and then gone the next. And to be honest, all you are doing is help the West practice their response and intercept skills. So I am sure these pilots appreciate the practice Russia is offering them. However, when you send in the Navy, that says I’m here and I plan to stick around for a fight. I saw in the news today where Putin was attending the G20 summit in Australia and he happened to bring along a couple of warships. That’s cool. Australia even sent out a few warships to check out their warships. That’s how you do it.
Opposing planes can buzz each other, but Warships can linger and just stick around to sniff each other out. Like two dogs ready to fight. It’s been a while since we have seen some good ship to ship combat. Somali pirates in a fishing boat don’t count. So I am thinking that if Russia sends in some Warships to float around the Caribbean, that would feel like good times have come again. And if Putin really want’s to drive the point home, he will have all his Russian sailors sing the Soviet anthem like they did in the Hunt for Red October. That anthem sounds like they are ready for a fight.
Invade Afghanistan – Again actually that is. Russia already did it once in the 80’s and it was a stellar moment in Cold War history. It allowed us to arm the opposition so that they could fight the invading Soviet horde and watch them exit in defeat. It seemed to work fantastically last time for us without any unintended long lasting implications. Moreover, considering that we probably already have armed the opposition in Afghanistan with all the weapons we left behind, then it makes it all the more easier on us.
In addition, since it appears the crazies are looking to run rampant in Afghanistan all over again, it’s your turn Russia to hang out in Afghanistan for a decade. Again. Consider it a rubber match for who can control Afghanistan. Russia did it in the 80’s, America did it in the 2000’s, and so you get one more shot Russia to win 2 out of 3 in the Afghanistan bowl. Honestly, America won’t even care if you go in and do your thing because honestly, I am not sure we want to go back Afghanistan in about 2 years which is a strong possibility.
So there it is Putin. If we are going to do this Cold War thing, let’s do it right. It’s like reliving my childhood all over again. Most young 20 somethings these days have not gotten to enjoy the experience of a mortal enemy. It’s electrifying. After all Mr. Putin, we know that you are just putting on a show for your own people right now anyway. Consider these then some production suggestions to better the show. East versus West. They way it is meant to be.
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