Ok, first thing’s first.  Kim, you’ve gotten really fat and yes, we’ve notice.  I realize I risk assassination by chemical weapons for saying that but dude it’s time to PT.  Perhaps I’m jumping the gun here, but given that North Korea plans to test another nuke this weekend, the USS Carl Vinson reversed course towards Korea, and the administration has reserved the right to act pre-emptively I’d say it’s plausible.  China suspended flights to Pyongyang and amassed 150,000 troops along the border as well.  And while the potential catastrophic nature of this war looms large, I have to admit it’s all kind of morbidly cool.  As a lover of history, I find the Korean War absolutely fascinating.  We almost lost, we almost won, and then we just decided to DMZ and chill for the next 60 years.  But since we might get a reboot this weekend, I thought I’d offer a few suggestions how to make this thing play out more favorably this time.  Granted, hundreds of thousands could die from merciless North Korean death bomb attack via the dear leader but it’s ok for me to mock it because I’m doing it before the deaths.  And that means its perfectly fine.  Hang on to Bea Arthur’s panties and away we go!

1.  Standard Issue GoPro Cameras – We all love Funker530 Combat Footage and those guys have to be salivating over what we would capture in this conflict. Yes, I know, lots of death but some really great combat footage.  The truth is that we have not seen a conflict on this scale in quite some time if it blows up big the footage has to be great.

We are talking massive artillery barrages, tanks, ballistic missiles, submarines trying to sink our ships and the whole works.  Again, it’s a hell of thing for our military to face and it seems morbid to consider.  But militarily and historically speaking it’s going to be absolutely fascinating that we could catch this whole on camera.  Plus, I can honestly say as a fellow Veteran Marines are kicking themselves for not picking up a GoPro before this deployment.  They want the footage, we want the footage, everyone wants the footage.

2.  Can China Like Be On Our Side This time – Truth be told, the last time hundreds of thousands of Chinese troops mobilized along the North Korean border it didn’t end to well for us. On the verge of pushing the North Korean into the Yalu River in 1950, the Chinese up and decided to throw the worst surprise birthday party ever.  Reading stories about the pace of the Chinese advance and how entire American units were nearly overrun or obliterated is mind boggling.

Granted, it led to Chesty Puller’s famed “good now we can attack in any direction” line but the tactical and strategic implications were less than helpful.  China is a big boy on the world now and while I have no qualms throwing down with them in an epic game of Battleship in the South China Sea, I have no desire for America to engage in a land war with a billion people right next to their home country.

Militarize South China Sea

I actually taught English in China back in 2004 after Iraq as a way to blow off steam and that’s me above.  I’m the white dude in case you were curious.  They are a hard and proud people making nationalism look cool long before Trump.  America might still have the coolest toys, but there is strength in numbers my friends.  So China, can you like stay on YOUR side of the river this time when we kick this war back up.  I taught your Children to speak English with the finest southern accent and the least you can do my old padawans is stay home this time.

3.  Don’t Make this About Trump – Whether you want to laud his success or blame him for this war, can we at least have one major world event that is not about Trump. I don’t care whether you love him or hate him, but this North Korea thing has been brewing for decades.  Whoever got elected, be it Hillary, Trump, Johnson, or even Deez Nuts, the President of the United States was going to be in this position.  It is inevitable that North Korea was going to reach the technological point of becoming a major threat.  Granted, Trump will own his response and it does seem like he is having fun with his new toy, aka the US Military.

I don’t know who created that meme above to give credit, but if that’s you then let me know and I’ll give you a shout out.  I feel very reassured that James “Chaos” Mattis is at the helm during this fragile period and I’m confident he will drop the MOAK, Mother of All Knife Hands, on the Norks in no time.  But this is actually an America first issue and we ought not politicize it.  Should shooting break out in the region it’s going to get complicated really fast and it is not Trump versus the Dems.  This is literally America versus a potent enemy capable of doing real harm.  Yes we can squash them but the cost could be high.  So can we just chill on the partisanship until after we win?

4.  Western Washington is Closer to North Korea than Eastern Washington – Look, North Korea does not seem to have the ability to strike the mainland US yet, but wars hardly go as they same. Should Kim Jung Fat Face actually have the ability to strike the United States, as a resident of Eastern Washington which more resembles Montana, I just want to point out that Seattle is much much closer.  Of course I’m not suggesting North Korea nuke my fellow citizens.  Not at all and were it to actually happen it would make this post completely crass and shameful.  I’m just offering a simple geography lesson.

But since they don’t have the ability, I just want to point out that Western Washington probably saves the Norks couple thousand bucks on rocket fuel if the North Korean Budget office is reading this blog which I oddly assume they are.  WA residents will understand the political implications of number 4, moving on.  That was a just a rocket fuel and geography lesson, nothing more.  I’m just saying, Seattle is closer.

5.  Any Surrender Treaty Must Be Written in North Korean Syntax – If you are not familiar with North Korean news, press releases, or public statements you gotta check it out. As an experience teacher of Asian children, I’m not sure who taught English over there but they are either the worst English Teachers ever or the best trolls on the planet.  I have literally watched North Korean propaganda, not a spy NSA it’s cool, for the fun of it.  It’s hilarious stuff.  This war I’m afraid will actually not be funny at all.

But overall ladies and gents, I don’t know war or conflict is coming but it’s possible.  It sounds cool now and would be fascinating to watch, but it could get bad real quick. I don’t blame Trump and if anything I blame the failed attempts at isolation propagated by decades of bi-partisan administrations.  The goose has been cooked and someone had to take it out of the oven.  That’s Trump and he is your President.

Yes, America will win and yes the combat footage will be epic.  But this country and planet are heading for some trying times and ones which our partisan bickering  will seem quite petty in light of.  We just might start shooting at a fellow nuclear power run by a fat special needs kid from an inbred family of evil men.  I don’t know what will happen, but I do know that Seattle is closer to North Korea than Eastern Washington.  I’m just saying, you can buy a bestest sweet car with glorious fashion of all Koreas with the saving in fuel costs.  Just saying.

If You Geographically Agree that Seattle is Closer to North Korea than Eastern Washington Like the Unprecedented Mediocrity Facebook Page Below.  It’s Just Geography.

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3 Replies to “5 Recommendations for This Weekend’s War with North Korea”

  1. What about the Russians? How do they play into this? Just saying….. you can’t write a piece and include Trump without mentioning the Russians! After all, they are much closer than W. Washington should the price of unleaded rocket fuel “skyrocket” from demand!

  2. Yeah Kim would have been sent to the “fat farm” at PI in my day! Like to see that crazy dude put on some combat gear and lead the charge since he likes to rattle some swords..strange how our media protests Trump and sword rattling and Fat Body gets a pass. Guess they believe in turning the other cheek except they don’t….

  3. One thing I did learn from my time spent in Viet Nam and the aftermath…most if not all politicians are corrupt and liars…and I include our corrupt in the good ole USA. Just ask the Vietnamese who were trying to get out of their country on boats and fleeing for their lives…ask the imprisoned why they wouldn’t trust ANY politician…good at starting wars, not good at winning them because they get in the way of those doing the actual fighting…

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