Now, I don’t know exactly what that gorilla above is thinking but in light of recent news I’m pretty sure he’s telling her “Back off little girl before you get me shot.”  No matter how you look at it, that 4-year-old kid who jumped into the Gorilla exhibit at the Cincinnati Zoo got that primate killed.  It’s the 4-year-old and his mother’s fault he died that day.  But I’d have shot the gorilla sooner and wouldn’t have thought twice about it.  If one of my kids falls in that Gorilla exhibit, I’m jumping down in slow motion like it’s a mission from the Assassins Creed video game and taking it with some 2nd Amendment freedom.  No that Gorilla didn’t deserve it, but I’ll spend zero nights weeping over an Ape and a lifetime weeping over my fallen child.  Suck it Gorilla, evolve quicker next time.

C’mon People I Mean C’mon

Are we really about to start a Gorilla Lives Matter Movement?  Has our ability to prioritize the value of life become so convoluted that we drop a 4-year-old and a Gorilla into the Octagon and then ask for a fair fight?  Yes, that 4-year-old kid started it but as a father to 3 kids myself I am unashamed to say that kids are morons.  They do stupid stuff all the time.  Most of my parenting of toddlers is walking around trying to stop my kids from costing me another insurance deductible because they did something stupid. I love them for sure and I would do anything in this world to protect them.  Like shot a Gorilla in a zoo as many times as need be.


Oh but I’d go further.  I’d then walk into the rest of the Gorilla cages and shoot the rest of the family as well so they don’t grow up harboring hate and then take it out on my kids when they rise up and take over the planet.  Don’t take this as to mean I don’t value animal life and I don’t tear up a bit when I see a tortured animal or cry aloud when a beloved pet dies.  I just know where my human priorities are at.  I know it looked like the Gorilla was being sweet, but it would have taken about 2 seconds for primal instincts to take over and bash that kid in the head.  Then, let me ask would you be sharing the video so much on Social Media?  But let me digress and tell you the story of Jack the cat.

Captain Jack Sparrow

When my daughter was less than one, we had a cat that my wife had before we married.  Jack was his name and yes my wife named him after Captain Jack Sparrow so take that up with her.  One evening, my wife was giving my daughter a bath when Jack inexplicably started viciously attacking and biting my wife.  She let out a screech I had not heard since Iraq and I bolt into the bathroom and Jack is going nuts! Biting, scratching, screaming he is a cat possessed.

Now, if you have never reached down and grabbed an angry cat to protect your family let me give you a heads up that you are in for a fight.  I mean who needs the 2nd Amendment when you can just throw a bag of angry cats on someone because I have not seen anything like it to this day.  That freaking cat tore into me to the point I have a scar on my finger to this day.  I then hurled this possessed demon cat into the bedroom at about 30 miles per hour and shut the door. That’s Jack below, looks innocent enough until he starts licking bath salts.  You have no idea how hard this is for a Marine to admit.


The bathroom looked like a murder scene and there was blood everywhere.  Me and my wife literally had to go to the minor med and there was nothing more humiliating like telling them “our cat attacked us can you give us medical attention.”  When I went to work the next day I wanted to lie about why the bandages were on my hand.  A street gang, squad of ninjas, or just anything other than freaking Captain Jack Sparrow the cat.  I offered to take the cat out back and finish it the honorable, ahem cheap, way but my wife convinced me to take him to the vet.  We loved that cat and as I walked out with a slight tear in my eye, I never regretted that decision since.

The Cold Hard Truth

It’s a freaking animal who didn’t deserve to die, but he didn’t deserve to live over a 4-year-old kid who did something stupid.  Many blame the mother, but parents of children will quickly recognize that sinking feeling when you feel like your child slipped away in a crowd.  Kids are stupid, but by God we love them more than anything and that includes Apes.  As a father, don’t let me catch you holding back on the trigger when my kid is face to face with a wild animal. I’ve seen the show, “When Animals Attack” and it never ends well for the human.  Again, sad for the ape as he didn’t deserve it.  But neither does that kid if the Gorilla just does what everyone filming had a sick and morbid expectation of seeing.


You’ll have a better time convincing me of the evil of zoos than the fact that we shouldn’t kill a Gorilla when it is dragging a 4-year-old boy through some water.  Gorilla, lion, or human, do not even make me perceive you are a threat to my children.  The complexity of being a combat Veteran is that you know how to make tough decisions under pressure and choose priorities.  I’ve got my priority with my family, you can place yours with the Apes if you like, but just don’t’ let ours come to a point of opposition.  I know what I’m doing with the trigger, do you?

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7 Replies to “The Cincinnati Zoo Gorilla: I’d of Shot Him Sooner”

  1. Should have shot the kid and saved the tax payers all the money it’s going to cost us in jail housing later on.

    1. I don’t know. Is this the Patrick Burke I knew from College or random coincidence. Either way, I like new friends.

  2. So I was scrolling Facebook when it suddenly hit me, “Unprecedented Mediocrity probably has an amusing, balanced, and reasonable perspective on the shooting of this gorilla.”
    I was not disappointed.

    1. Glad I didn’t disappoint you brother. I appreciate you checking out what I had to say!

  3. My family and I had this same conversation at dinner the other night. They were somehow surprised at my answer which was the same as your title of this article.

  4. The gorilla was probably saying “back off you little pest you’ll get me shot”

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