Hello ISIS. It’s been awhile since we have talked. Well, to be honest, we have never really talked, but I did write you an open letter a few months back when I first started the blog. You probably never read it, but that’s ok. The above picture is actually not from Iraq. No, it’s from a place much worse and credit to any Marines who recognize the rocks and mountains. It was summer of 2002 if memory serves me right. Saddam was still your leader and we had not met yet. But let’s not dwell on the years before we knew each other. After all, Thanksgiving is upon us and it is a time to reflect and think not about our misfortunes but upon our reasons for thankfulness. Has anyone ever told you the origin of Thanksgiving in America? I’m not sure what social studies looks like in the Caliphate, but I’m guessing it’s probably lacking in the area of early American History. So let me fill you in on some of the highlights.
The First Thanksgiving
You see, the first Thanksgiving is reported to have happened when Pilgrims and Native American Indians broke bread together to celebrate the first successful harvest after the Pilgrims arrival. Legend has it, the Native Americans actually helped the Pilgrims establish themselves here in America. I’m not exactly sure how that was decided, but I’m guessing it was just some sort of Indian Executive Order to allow all the White People to stay. After all, the Native American chief was quoted as saying, “What’s the worst that can happen?”. I think we can all agree history proved him right.
We then engaged the Native Americans in some free market trades where they offered us the continental United States and we gave them smallpox. Are we to be blamed for our excellent negotiation skills? I don’t think so. After all, it was Manifest Destiny that we stretch from sea to shining sea. I say all this just to let you know that we indeed know a thing or two about territorial expansion. We also have been down the dark route of what happens when the technical problem of others owning the land you want arises. And as history would have it, a few hundred Thanksgivings later, we are still here from sea to shining sea.
Our Next Thanksgiving
So what do you think ISIS? What will you be doing next Thanksgiving? I mean you have to admit, things aren’t quite going as planned. Now don’t get offended, I’m not saying it has been all bad for you. I heard you are going to start printing your own money soon! That’s cool. On the gold standard none the less. I actually think that is a fantastic idea. You see hundreds of years from now, when an Iraqi or Syrian kid digs in the sand he might very well come across one of these golden coin artificats. He will then take it to a musuem where a scholarly gentlemen will likely reply, “ISIS, Never heard of her.” Because let’s be honest ISIS, we don’t really have too many more of these Thanksgivings left together now do we.
I have heard your leader’s recent statements where he loudly proclaimed that you all would fight to the last man. Which is strange because it seems like it was just a couple of months ago he was promising to sack Baghdad. What happened? Are you finding it a little harder to get around now a days? Oh and it seems like just yesterday you were proudly parading through cities in open air trucks. I sincerely hope cave and bunker life is treating you well right now. Don’t let the depression get to you just because everyone around you hates you. Literally, from Turkey to the North, Kurds and Shia’s to the East, and good ole Assad to the south, the people closest to you hate you and that can make for challenging feelings around the holidays. If you need counsel feel free to call Sadaam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, or Abu Musab al Zarqawi. They have been through this before and we are happy to arrange the meeting for you. Bring short shorts and a tank top cause it will likely be warm and promise to check in on Hitler for us while you are there.
What would the holidays be without presents? Look, this is not easy on us. I mean what do you get the terrorist scum who already has everything? Well, tell me ISIS, how have you enjoyed the British Special Forces Snipers whom have been ambushing you in the desert and killed over 200 of you just this past month. Because if you like that, we can talk to the Queen for you and see if she can arrange for a special Holiday SAS feast this next month. Well, I’m going to take a stab at it and gift you the following present for the holidays. A fleet of A-10 Warthogs to keep you regular company during the Holidays. Consider it done, it’s our pleasure.
Now all this could get out of hand and out of full disclosure to you I have to warn you about the consequences of Holiday excess. Normally for Westerners it results in an expanded waistline. But for you, I’m afraid it will result in a strong need to ration these 72 virgins you were looking forward to in Muslim Heaven. When the A-10s get there, I just don’t think Muslim heaven can keep up with the demand at the pace you guys will be arriving. Consequently, I’m just going to need you take a look at this picture and pick your top 3.
Tough times ISIS. You have wrecked mayem on the world for a season, but not here in America. Nobody wrecks America. Except Americans when we are really upset about stuff apparently. But other than that and save a few smoldering buildings in Missouri, we fully plan to be present next Thanksgiving. Where will you be? Sincerely, The Country with Warplanes over your head right now as your reading this. Admit it, you looked up just now, didn’t you ISIS.
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