Let’s be honest here, ISIS is just the worst. I don’t just mean their evil nature, although they most certainly are evil. Rather, they totally blew this whole caliphate thing. Granted, they have proved adaptable on the battlefield and tenacious, but that wasn’t their point. Rather, their point was to establish a Caliphate and they are totally screwing it up. Now, you may have heard the reports that ISIS is planning or at least hoping to cause some violence here in America on the 4th of July. I don’t personally get national intelligence briefings in my living room, so I honestly can’t tell you how plausible the threat is, but I’ll concede it is definitely possible. So with that in mind, as if the nation was sitting down to one of my FDR fireside chats, I would like to talk to America about what to do if ISIS attacks on the 4th.
Shove a Roman Candle Up It
You read that correctly. If ISIS attacks on the 4th, I want a patriotic flag waving, firework shooting mother lover to shove a lit roman candle up the rectum of the piece of trash that is trying to kill your family in the name of ISIS. Whereas I don’t know exactly what that would do to him, I feel it would be painful and patriotic at the same time and I consider that a win/win. However, my main point is this. Fight back America, fight back.
We just can’t guarantee that it won’t happen. I don’t honestly think it is an actual member of ISIS that is going to try it. Those guys are too busy dodging drone missiles and raping goats. No, instead, the ISIS flag is attempting to rattle the crazy cages of America and hope one falls out to do a dastardly deed. So yes, they might succeed in that because America does have crazy people and your Facebook feed likely proves that. You simply cannot outsource every aspect of your personal security to government. They can’t be everywhere. If you love the 2nd amendment, then use it tomorrow. Stand ready to protect those around you and if you happen to only wound the ISIS attacker by accident, well, don’t forget my Roman Candle idea. After all, it is the 4th.
Remember it’s the 4th
Seriously remember that. ISIS needs to spend less time planning low scale attacks on this holiday and paying attention to what it means in the first place. People of the American continent said suck it, to the most powerful nation on the planet back in 1776 and we won. I think Americans of the current generation have become too accustomed to the idea that America is so powerful we can do whatever we want. But they forget that the American spirit which they inherited was born when we were far from so.
Take a look at the above shirt from the Gruntworks clothing store. “You’re all Americans, Act Like it.” Now I love the shirts as I often write for them, so if you want one click on the picture to go get one this 4th of July. If you use the code “unprecedentedmediocrity”, you will get a discount. You are welcome. So what does that mean to be an American? Whereas I can’t define it all, I can help. Americans don’t cower down. Americans fight back. Americans, fight back against all odds. It has just been convenient that the odds have been in our favor these past 50 years. July 4th, 1776 was a day where grown men of sound mind signed their own death warrants should they lose. It is the 4th of July and you should celebrate with the mindset, that you can be as brave, should any evil come knocking.
Keep it in Perspective
America, I wish I could tell you that ISIS will never succeed in taking an American life. They probably will, but when they do, keep it in perspective. You see, ISIS likes to keep spouting off about how they are coming to us. But what they forget is that we already came to them. I was there with the Marines in 2003 and I assure you, the scoreboard is far from even regardless of what they pull off.
ISIS would have to start running double shifts for the next 50 years to keep up with how many bad guys we slayed over there. So yes, ISIS might attack on the 4th. Yes, it will be tragic if they should succeed. But fight back America and remember what the 4th is about to begin with. When our forefathers signed the declaration of independence, they pretty much said it is liberty or bust and some crazy jihadist who thinks he is tough because he follows ISIS on twitter can’t destroy it. In conclusion America, if ISIS attacks on the 4th, I just want you to know this one thing. You’re All Americans, Act Like It. Like the Unprecedented Mediocrity Facebook Page Below, George Washington would approve.