If you were to ask the majority of America how they plan to watch the first Presidential debate tonight I think the overwhelming response would be, drunk. Very drunk. I mean, talk about a double bagger? Once the two of these people get on stage together for the first time I think we will finally realize just what we have done to ourselves. Don’t worry, I’m not going to bash either candidate as I am done with that and you already know me as a “Feeler of the Johnson.” But I want to rewind to one of the first viral articles I wrote concerning a General Mattis Presidency. Many laughed as I often write with humor, but it is at this point I must look at you with my best Joe Pesci face and ask you “what’s so freaking funny?” China is battling for the South China Sea, Russia is reclaiming parts of the Soviet Empire, Iran will have a Nuke soon, and Kim Jong Un is one short bus ride from going full retard. ISIS and Islamic terrorism, please! It is a pimple compared to the problems that await America this century and pardon my lack of humor if I now suggest electing the smartest man in the room might have been a good idea. My children and yours will grow up in a radically different world my friends and we needed a man like Mattis now more than you would ever know.
Who Cares About Partisan Politics?
As an avid “Feeler of the Johnson”, I’m more over partisan politics than you can imagine. I do plan to still vote for Johnson and since Washington State has mail in ballots, I’ll even video tape me feeling the Johnson to the swankiest 70’s porn music I can find. However, I am a realist and unless Johnson finds some political Viagra soon the future of the Johnson is looking pretty limp. It will be either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump and for a season in history, I could care less about their traditional partisan political leanings. This is about globalism versus nationalism and either has a remarkable opportunity to screw it up for us all.
Now, Nationalism sounds like the cool answer until you realize strong nations and world leaders have been screwing this nationalism stuff up for centuries. It’s harder to get right than it seems as the US cannot simply retreat from the world and a really bad “America First” strategy actually puts America dead last. The truth is that for all of us alive today we have known nothing but a century of “Merica”, but my children will know a future with an uncomfortable plurality of global leadership. China, Russia, Brazil, India, and Iran will be playmakers and are actively enduring their own nationalistic movements. If nationalism means abdicating the world to the enemies of our state then count me out.
However, if globalism means policing the world and over stretching our national resources count me out as well. This is hard stuff people and we need to think about it a bit more than the candidates would tell us in the campaign. Simple answers do not work for what we face regardless of from whom they come. Truth be told, we would happily suckle from the teet that is James Mattis once this nation realizes what awaits this century. Your grandkids and mine will grow up in a very different world and I fear there is little can do to change it at this point. But let’s talk about the debate.
Many will watch the debates tonight playing their own drinking games where you take a shot when Trump says, “Huge” or Hillary coughs. Meanwhile, I’ll play the blackout game where I sip until I dream of a world where this reality is simply not so. But I do have a few debate predictions and I’d like you to join me in taking a shot were any of these things to happen.
1 Trump will insult midgets. Honestly, they are about the only people group left unscathed so suck it up lollipop guild, it’s your turn to take one for the team. Truthfully, Trump will go off script at one point and say something bizarre. It’s just inevitable. Now, I’ve never been one to care about Trump’s harsh words because I live life under the philosophy that a man’s lack of emotional resiliency is not another man’s problem. If you are offended, it’s your fault. Case closed. Trump will give us a remarkable highlight and I’m confident it’s the little people’s turn to take the wrath of Trump.
2. Hillary will cough and it will be hilarious. I’ve done my fair share of public speaking and it’s actually tough not to clear your throat or cough on a regular basis. But a coughing fit for Hillary would be hilarious. Not because I wish her harm, despite my objection to her I don’t, but Trump’s face while it occurs will be remarkable. Hillary’s campaign likely has her drinking cough syrup today like it’s Jägermeister on her 21st birthday. Literally, any sign of physical ailment tonight will be the equivalent of Ron Burgundy telling San Diego to go “F themselves” for Hillary Clinton. I’ll be on the edge of my seat looking for it.
3. Gary Johnson will be sorely missed. I know, this is just my bemoaning the fact that the candidate of my choice was not included. I’m over it apart from the random late night drunken calls to the debate commission. However, the issues that face this nation are quite serious in this particular season and to hear a libertarian-ish view on them would have done America good. As Gary says, you can be non-interventionist while not being an isolationist. The poorly thought out war on drugs has ravaged American communities and for all the talk of scandal in this election the guy seems so remarkably honest for a politician it’s almost confusing. He is like the scary clown in the woods who actually and honestly just wants to make balloon animals and give you a free hug.
General Mattis Where Have you Gone
But let us come back to the original point and the source of today’s lamentation. Typically, when I am in want for page views and viral articles I just talk about General Mattis because the man is literally internet gold. But this is an article of genuine lamentation. Neither Trump or Clinton strike the general population as brilliant and I fear America needed brilliance more anytime in history. Neither Trump or Clinton strike the general population as honest, and I fear America more than any time in history needed a man who said, “You cannot allow any of your people to ignore the brutal facts. If they start living in a dream world it’s going to be bad.” People, I’m not here to invoke fear in you but I am confident a very post-American century awaits us. Brutal and unpleasant, but 1945 was a long time ago my friends.
But alas, here we are America and we are really doing this. Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump will be our President and it didn’t have to be this way. It’s 3AM in the club gentlemen and as we sit here listening to the last 2 girls in the club argue over who has the most STDs you will have to pardon me if I harken back to the sweet smelling beauty who bumped into me hours earlier. That was General Mattis my friends. Metaphorically speaking of course for this election is the club General James Mad Dog Mattis simply had too much integrity to enter.
You will get no more General Mattis President articles from me and nor will I invoke his great name in a “clickbait style” manner to get you to click. Simply share this honest lamentation with me and then go support the candidates of your choice. However, before you do ask yourself honestly if this is the best America could have done. Take off your beer goggles my friends, because I’ll need bourbon goggles just to get through this debate. I have already instructed my wife to take away all sharp objects and put ear muffs on the kids tonight. And don’t forget, the first time Trump makes fun of a midget or Hillary has a coughing fit I better see a picture of you in the comment thread taking that shot. We are all in this together now my fellow Americans and where you go, so go I into a very dangerous century ahead.
If You Would Give a Kidney to Put General Mattis in the Election Like the Unprecedented Mediocrity Page Below and I’ll Let You Keep Your Kidney
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