To the 400,000 People Planning to Raid Area 51

I don’t blog as often as I would like anymore. Yet, absurdity has always been my muse and there has been nothing quite as absurd in recent memory as the 400,000 people who have signed up to raid Area 51 on September 20th. Under the premise that “they can’t stop all of us,” the movement has gained some traction and even been popularized by the mainstream media. Now, believe it or not, I’ve actually been to Area 51. This wasn’t in some official capacity during my time in the Marine Corps, but rather a curious venture in college. During a road trip from Tennessee to LA back in 1999, we looked up the directions to Area 51 and made a detour. Turning off of the E.T. Highway, yes that’s what it is called, we headed a few miles down Groom Lake Road. Coming around the mountains you then run into a host of signs warning you to tread no further. We heeded those signs, took a few pictures, and our cars were summarily buzzed by a fighter jet of some sort on our way back down the road. We were a little paranoid until we got a few miles up the road to Rachel, Nevada. There we sat a the Little Ale Inn and went to the Area 51 museum. So now that I’ve positioned myself as an expert on Area 51, let me have a little chat with the 400,000 ready to storm the secret installation.

Don’t Do It

It’s not that I believe 400,000 will really live up to their commitment. However, I’ve come to believer that whether it is political violence, racial violence, religious violence or other acts of madness, if you shake the crazy cages of America long enough there is bound to be a nut or two that will fall out. So let’s have a little chat about what you are up against here as I am sure Fortnight has led you to believe you have mad skills very transferable to such a scenario.

The first thing you are going to be up against is the lack of cover or concealment en route to your destination. In order to even approach Area 51, you must first approach the mountains on what are single lane dirt roads in the wide open desert. I assure you that 100,000 cars with 4 people to a car are going to kick up a little dust along the way. Well, what’s the worst that can happen on the road you ask? I don’t know, ask the Iraqis below on the Highway of Death out of Kuwait in 1991.

It Gets Worse

However, let’s just say that the U.S. military opts not to bomb your convoys into oblivion. After all, that’s just bad PR. Once you reach the mountains, you’ve got mountains to climb. Given that I assume most of the people signing up for such a quest have spent an inordinate amount of time in their mother’s basements, I doubt many of you have humped either a hill or a woman. Ask any Marine and he will tell you many tales of humping both. The mountains themselves would have you drawn out and out of breath by the time you reached the top. I know you vision yourselves assembling at the top like the Rohirrim at Helm’s Deep. Yet, I suspect it will be something more like this.

Now, let’s say you actually make it to the top. Now the U.S. military is perhaps in a position that they are willing to use deadly force as the signs at the entrance warned us when we visited. I have a nagging suspicion that none of you 400,000 have ever heard the snap and crack of a bullet fly over your head. Take it from me, it is a very disheartening sound as the pucker factor hits a high 10. It takes all the discipline and grit the Marine Corps instills in us to move forward towards the origin of that sound. I suspect this is something your local comic book store has not done for you all. Not to mention when your friends head turns into pink mist in front of your very eyes, I doubt you still proceed with your raid.

The Final Stand

Finally, assuming any number of you are still proceeding with your mad rush down the hill across open ground towards a heavily defended military position, I would like to introduce you to the men of COP Keating. In valley’s of Afghanistan, approximately 50 U.S. soldiers at COP Keating were assaulted by over 300 well-armed Taliban. The Taliban had machine guns, mortars, RPGs, anti-aircraft guns and a recoilless rifle. You guys don’t have a recoilless rifle, do you?

Anyway, for over 12 hours these 50 men held out alone. When the battle was over there would be 27 Purple Hearts, 37 Army Commendation Medals with a “V”, 3 Bronze Stars, 9 Silver Stars and 2 new living Medal of Honor recipients among them.  Men and women of the United States military do not give ground easily my friends. At some point if you all decide to proceed with this venture, you are going to have to decide how bad you really want this. If you doubt this, just wait until they introduce you to their best friend, the cyclic rate.

In Conclusion

To wrap this up, should you make it to any of the actual buildings an overrun this U.S. military position, let me introduce you to 1st Lieutenant John Fox. When his position was overrun by the Germans in World War two he called in an artillery strike on his own position. This too, is a thing in U.S. military history. Not to sound like Tony Stark, but there is no way you win this people. There is no scenario where you get to see any Aliens because if the U.S. military cannot save Area 51 you can be damn sure they will avenge it.

That’s all you need to know and I didn’t even bring up any Alien weaponry yet. Should you decide to move forward with this raid, I’m sure the aliens won’t mind have a few more bodies to probe. I’m confident the raid won’t happen, but lest a few nuts fall out of the crazy cages of America, well, you can’t say you were not warned.

Jeff Edwards


  1. I suspect the military will have stocked up on non-lethal weapons and MPs by the time this happens. The few fools who actually show up will probably just get arrested. After all, while the military is well within their rights to shoot trespassers, the paperwork is miserable.

  2. Hey ya’ll, I got an idea. Why don’t we just round the shitbirds up and do a straight trade with may-hee-co and the dominions further south. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to become Americans, get a job, and breathe the air of freedom and liberty. In return, we’ll give you 400,000 shitbag basement trogs. Winner-winner, big chicken dinner.

  3. ” I doubt many of you have humped either a hill or a woman. Ask any Marine and he will tell you many tales of humping both.”. Ooooooh, how very sexist of you! Don’t the female Marines get a mention for humping men? ;~)

    • Ugh…why must you be such an ass every time you open your mouth?

      • Firstly, you don’t know me, so you can’t possibly know if I’m an ass, especially as you can’t know what I say when I do open my mouth. Secondly, I didn’t open my mouth, I merely utilized downward digital pressure on my keyboard. Thirdly, you may have just confirmed a belief, widely held by many people, that Americans in general, if indeed you are one, don’t understand irony, or in your case just humour.

        • Save it. Not everything has to include your favorite talking points.

  4. Foolish little journalist. Didn’t you know that all 400,000 of us are full-fledged Jonin-ranked ninjas? Each one of us is able to create at least 2,000 shadow clones. Let’s see this “uS aRmY” try to stop at least 800,000,000 shadow clones that can all use jutsus, most of which having a kekkei genkai, and some even a kekkei tota. Oh and did I forget to mention that some of us have been reanimated by Orochimaru, so your faulty bullets will be impotent. Even if you do manage to hit those of us who are alive, we have a Rinne Rebirth and Reanimation Jutsu user on our team. This mission will go flawlessly with 0 casualties.

  5. Like Agent Mulder, “I want to believe” https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/i-want-to-believe
    But yeah I would rather be digitally present via live streaming in the event the US Military actually decides to use lethal force against people trying to storm area 51.Call me a coward, but that is not the cause I would want to give my life for.

    It seems that the government is already dribbling out proof that extra-terrestrial intelligent (with far more advanced tech than ours) life does exist with those Navy Fighter Planes aerial camera footage with the pilots testimony on National TV.

    Why else after decades of denials are they finally confirming such evidence of intelligent UFOs if not preparing the public for an eventual confirmation that ETs are real and possibly that the US Government has collected wrecks of UFOs in such places like Rosewell, NM in 1947?

    With a little patience, I think we will have the US Govt. confirm all of this in the next 10-20 years.

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