wiping flag with butt

Apparently, it has become quite the trend lately and I am pretty sure you have seen it on Facebook. Now, I knew about persons burning or stomping on the American flag. That angers me but I have always had mixed feelings on what I feel about it versus the liberty to do so. I understand both symbolism and physics and can believe that which they hope to accomplish is muted by what they are actually accomplishing. The Flag is a symbol of this nation, a banner to all those who served under it, and a source of pride for the majority in this nation. That value is inferred upon it by those who love it and those who malign it take nothing from it in the end. Yet the physics tell me that any given flag is actually just made up of cloth. If you touch it you can feel it and sadly if you light it on fire it will burn like any other piece of cloth. And thanks to a few we must now bring biology into the mix. Because if you wipe your butt with it, the biology tells me you will be standing there holding a piece of cloth covered in your own feces. And that’s just nasty.

The Biology

If there is one thing I have learned in my mediocre life, it is that if you are in a room full of people, the person in the room holding their own poop is probably the crazy one. It is a fact of human nature. My Grandmother worked at Western State Mental Institution in Bolivar, TN. Now, if you haven’t seen this place, it looked back then like your classic Victorian insane asylum where shock therapy and lobotomies were handed out like candy. Well, good ole Maw decides to take a 5 year old me with her to pick up her check and I remember it vividly to this day as I still haven’t quite forgiven her for it.  But Maw has passed on so I will let it slide.

flag protest

Crazy people everywhere and you know what, it smelled like poop from the moment I walked in. Not only that, but they were lowering some person into a bathtub who I am pretty sure was covered in their own poop as well. Clearly by bringing me in Maw didn’t care about HIPPAA violations, but Maw was fiesty woman and HIPPAA can take that up with her in Heaven where she is probably crocheting and doing a crossword puzzle.

The point is, it was clear to me who was crazy and who was sane and nothing has changed since. So when I see a person standing there with a flag covered in their own poop, I am quick to decipher that they have no idea what they are doing any more than the guy in the asylum banging on his door asking for more pudding cups. Sure they might hold a degree or two and sure they might even be able to talk a smart game. Yet, when your political activism has resulted in playing with your own poop, I label you as less than helpful to be nice. And you don’t get to define this country you clearly don’t understand.

The Physics

If you burn a flag, or a Bible, or a Koran, or perhaps a President in effigy, I get that you are trying to make a statement. Yet, you do realize you are not actually accomplishing anything. Just stuff being burned by a flame. To me it is the cheapest form of activism for in the end, you do nothing, offer nothing, change nothing and are accountable for nothing.  While you might gain the excitement of the people on your side with your audacious act, so would the man streaking through the asylum screaming for more pudding. Life lesson: it is not a noble act to excite the ignorant. Pudding cups can do that.

But this America you hate so much, I wonder why the world tries to emulate it so much.  Could it be because they don’t have a better answer for the problems you cry about here?  When a man will stand in front of  a Chinese tank in Tiananmen Square for the sake of  a potential Democracy, I wonder what the physics of that looks like when he is crushed?  Is there a reason an East German would get shot leaping over a brick wall for the potential of a new life?  Why did the Soviet Union pursue Democracy only to have a tyrant take it back?  Would any of people in ISIS held territory refuse a one way trip to America?

burn the flag

America is not perfect, but perfect doesn’t exist in this world. Every country on this planet is flawed till the end, but America at least has a greater trend of being on the right side of history. Then when we realize we are on the wrong, we change it ourselves and we don’t even have to involve our own poop to do so. If that is not happening to your liking then take the flag out your uptight rear and contribute something of value.  You can be a liberal or a conservative, but it takes a special kind of crazy to wipe their butt on camera and hold it out for all of America to see.  That’s not activism, its just a weird kind of porn. Political courage is a man standing in front of a tank in Tiannemen Square.  Political Courage is a man getting shot leaping over the Berlin Wall.  Political Courage is Russian Journalist taking on Putin only to be murdered for doing so.  And were any of those murdered souls given the opportunity to live in America, I wonder what they would say.

The Symbolism

But the Flag does mean something to those with the capacity to grant it and just because you stick it up your nasty crack doesn’t mean you take that away. No matter how much it might anger me when I muse about your ignorance, I can live with it. For if nothing else, American Liberty is working albeit wasted on a fool like you at the moment. And yet to you, it merely means you have a poop covered object in your hands and the whole world has seen your butt. And let me tell you, if you Google butts with poop covered object in hand, you will sadly find out that you are not the only one.  I actually did it for the sake of this article and I am not the same man now.

So crazies, if you are having pudding problems I feel bad for you son, America’s got 99 problems but you ain’t one. You got your 15 minutes of fame be it burning, stomping, or pooping on it, but so will a quirky cat video before the end of the day. You moved the needle none on America’s very real problems and I can think of about 6 Billion people in the world who would trade the sum of their life’s work for your citizenship if you hate it so much. Most of you are just young and foolish as you think it is hip to protest America as an easy target because it makes you sound enlightened.  You are the real life equivalent to Andy Samburg’s Digital Short below from SNL.

You can malign the Flag all you want, but for every one you wipe your nasty rear with, 5 more will raise in the hearts of men and women who love this country.  People burn and stomp on the flag all the time and go unnoticed.  You are famous because America really wants to know who might have poop on their hands and nothing more.  At best you caused a spike in the sale of hand sanitizer.  Now good day to you all, and enjoy your pudding cups.

Put Down Your Pudding Cups and Like the Unprecedented Mediocrity Page on Facebook Above.