As we roll into October and the spooky Halloween season approaches us, its always a good to take the time and reflect upon the things that spook us. Everyone has fears. Its fine to admit them. For me, its evil children in horror movies. I’m sorry, I love kids and all, but you put a pale faced kid in a suit pointing at me on a dark road at night and I am hitting the gas right past him. Sure he could just be lost and needing ride, but I am warning you now kids, if you need a ride from me on a dark road, don’t point at me, sing a nursery rhyme, or giggle creepily. Just smile and wave. No wait don’t even do that. Just wait for the next car.
With that being said, lets jump into the post. This post was a suggested topic from a brilliant friend of mine, so I hope to do it justice. Below you will find the top horror movies for Liberals and Conservatives. I am fairly politically moderate so I think there will be an equal rustling of the jimmies here in this post.
1. The Day After Tomorrow – That’s right, you have seen it. The movie where climate change wrecks the world and turns the northern Hemispheres into a frozen wasteland. Dennis Quaid tries to warn a Vice-President who not so subtly looks like Dick Cheney, but it’s to no avail. Personally, I don’t know. Most people on either side of the issue quote scientists they have never met, but both of them simply can’t be right.
This gives Conservatives nightmares because if global warming turns out to be true, they will have killed us all. I truthfully don’t know and am not picking a side. I am just saying if there is ever is a global catastrophe as a result, I am going to spend the rest of that end of the world scenario throat punching everyone who quoted the hot temperatures one week in November as proof its a sham.
2. The Ring – This movie is truly disturbing to all. However, more so to Conservatives. Why? Because that little girl coming out of the TV was clearly the result of an underfunded child welfare system and she is pissed. You see, as the 80’s We are the World taught us all, Children are the future. Some have been fairly fortunate to be blessed with exceptional parents while others not so lucky.
I can’t remember the details of how the girl got in the well, mainly because I blocked that terrifying movie out of my mind, but no one bothered to check the well because budget cuts really hit personnel hard. Plus, its also pretty obvious that the fly in the movie was the same one that peacefully landed on Barrack Obama’s face. And any connection to Obama means he is in on it and the Ring is a liberal plot. And since you had to share a copy of the movie to break the curse and screw someone else over, let us all be glad that this little girl never made a Facebook post, for the share button would be the end of us all.
3. Brokeback Mountain – Now I am not wading into the gay marriage issue here. I am just noting that Conservatives tend to lean towards a stance against gay marriage and Liberals more in support of gay marriage. However, whereas environmental hippies are pretty solidly liberal, so too are Cowboys solidly conservative. And that’s what makes this a horror movie for conservatives.
You see, if rugged Cowboys start going off into the mountains together, then that throws the political order into disarray. Do the Cowboys vote for a strong stance of gun rights? Or do they now vote for the right to marry their camping partner? We all know politics are an all or nothing affair and if political parties can’t rely on forcing us all into entrenched political camps to do their bidding, then what good are us average people to them?
1. Red Dawn – If you have followed the blog for anytime, you know I am a fan of the movie Red Dawn. Again, I am ashamed I must clarify that I mean the real 80’s version and not the absurd newer North Korean version. I said it in my article 4 Mediocre Reasons Everyone Should Own a Gun, but this movies makes a great case for gun ownership. The enemy invades and who is left to save us? That’s right, the average American citizen with a gun.
Ask yourself where would a young Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen be without those legally protected firearms. So as many liberals seek a future America where gun ownership is restricted or even out right banned, this movie reminds everyone that guns are cool. It also really helps that Russia is acting like themselves lately. Vladimir Putin anyone? That’s right, he is over there plotting the invasion. But I always knew that. Check out my article 5 Reasons Russia Will Always be the Bad Guys.
2. Friday the 13th – Now you might be wondering how in the world this is a movie liberals fear. I’ll tell you. Jason Voorhees is a raging Conservative. I mean, isn’t it obvious that Jason leans politically to the hard right? First of all there is the look. This guy is a beard away from being Willie Robertson from Duck Dynasty. To be honest, we don’t know that there is not a beard under that hockey mask and he is always roaming around the woods looking for living things to kill.
Finally, it is also obvious that Jason is extremely conservative on moral issues. The evidence, well you try having a little unsanctioned pre-martial sex around this guy and see what he has to say about it. A basic rule of thumb in the Friday the 13th movies is that if you have sex you are going to die. Its not that Jason has a problem with sex, its just that none of those teens or camp counselors were ever married. That’s a big no no in Jason’s moral universe. You liberals state that you can’t legislate morality, so Jason has just taken it into his hands to alter the voting demographic. Voter ID laws are for wimps he says.
3. 300 – Yes, the Spartan classic where a strong national defense teaches you how to defeat illegal immigration with great abs. The 300 Spartans led by King Leonitus were obviously a throwback version of United States Marines. So lets go ahead and get that out of the way. But some might think this movie is about war and the expansion of nations. No, its just about illegal immigration.
You see Xerxes and his Persian horde were just roaming the land looking for better jobs and opportunity. But in walks the 300 Spartans who start by created a border fence. Sure the border fence was made out of human bodies, but that just speaks to Conservative ingenuity. Moreover, the “Immortals” that the Persians had on their side were clearly infected with Ebola or something. So Liberals fear this movie because it reminds America, you need a strong border and the only way to do it is to militarize the border. With Spartans. Wearing capes.
So there you have it, my top 3 Horror movies for each side of the Spectrum. I would love to hear what alternative movies you come up with, so comment and share this article to encourage your friends to have fun with this conversation.
Help Centrist America have a strong voice by signing up by email to receive Unprecedented Mediocrity directly by email or like the Facebook page Unprecedented Mediocrity.