There is a pretty good chance I will not embark on a life of crime, but if I do I’m going to start by becoming a politically divisive figure in American politics. Honestly, it’s the perfect cover for the perfect crime. It is true whether you are a Republican or a Democrat. If you can but convince people that the prosecution of your wrong-doing is but a politically motivated tactic of the enemy then you are good to go. True of Clinton, Bush, Obama, Clinton OG, Bush OG, Reagan and as far back as we can remember. In fact, many of you have already dismissed what I am about to say for that very reason regardless if what is to come has merit. Today, the head of the FBI announced that Hillary Clinton would not face prosecution for setting up a private email server which enabled foreign governments and hackers to access State secrets. Supporters of Hillary rejoiced and meanwhile, myself and other detractors of Hillary reacted pretty much like this kid below.
But come now, let us reason together as men and women of all political leanings and acknowledge this is some pretty scary stuff. There is no doubt, none, that a crime was committed but it is as if the American people are playing a game of Clue and Colonel Mustard says, “Yeah, I did it in the library with the candlestick, but what are you going to do about it?” And yet, the FBI gave her a pass, one not extended to any other civil servant, member of the military, or politician convicted of far less. I don’t care if you like Hillary, but we all ought to be sad. For today it was your gal, tomorrow it might be my guy, but it is abundantly clear there are two sets of laws in this nation and that has me searching for a remote to shove places.
Would Justice Win the Day?
When Hillary Clinton was defeated by Barrack Obama in 2008, I actually took it as an inspirational sign that American liberty was still alive and kicking. No, I am not a fan of Obama, but nor do I think that he is the tyrant hell bent on giving America over to the UN as the tin foil hat brigade exclaims. He is just a really, I mean really Liberal dude and I am not. I can live with that because this is America. Moreover, his ascendency to the Presidency against the odds of a favored and seasoned pro like Hillary indicated Americans still have a voice. I might have wished they used that voice to sing in the key of A minor, they choose B flat, but hey it’s still America.
And yet, when I heard the news today that Hillary would not be prosecuted my heart sunk. Shortly after screaming, hitting myself with a shoe, and trying to shove a remote control up my butt that is. Seriously, that kid needs some help. But it didn’t sink because I don’t like Hillary Clinton. Politicians I don’t like get elected all the time and that’s no big deal in America. However, I did have this hope that there would be a meticulous application of the law because this is, in fact, America. Remarkably, I had hope in Barrack Obama and were he as President to allow the prosecution of Hillary Clinton it would have cemented in my mind the fact that he is a good man with whom I just politically disagree. And yet, I’m angry, sad, and looking for that remote.
The Law is Like a Thing and Stuff
Now, if you are a supporter of Hillary you can champion her till the day you die and I’m fine with that. But I challenge you to confront this simple logic. In 2008, she was defeated by Barrack Obama in a stunning upset and win for liberty. Is there any part of you that thought her mind didn’t instantly shift to 2016? That’s not a crime and politically smart. Say what you want about the Clinton’s but they might be the most gifted politicians of our lifetime. So she works out a deal to become Secretary of State. The only problem is that as Sec of State everything she does is part of the public record and open to public scrutiny. Stupid citizens asking for transparency in their government.
So more than just send an email from a private account as her predecessors did on occasion, she intentionally has an entire private server set up. This isn’t walking to church where you see an attractive hooker who seduces you into sin, my friends. This is going out of your way to scour every airport hotel in your city until you find the one who hasn’t showered in a week because you like it nasty. You see, by doing so it gives her the chance to keep her communique off the public record. Politically brilliant if you ask me. It was going smashingly as she could send and receive emails without the fear they would be brought into the public record. It’s the political equivalent to Snapchat only a lot less dick pics, wait a minute, Bill Clinton is her husband so probably not. If you are running for President in 2016 it’s the smart play. Except here’s the problem. Some jihadi scumbags attacked our consulate in Benghazi, 4 Americans were killed, and Congress had the audacity to look into the matter. For shame that Congress examine a US Ambassador being dragged through the streets.
In doing so, it became apparent that Hillary was circumventing rules put in place to ensure the American people have a transparent government and then it got worse. It turns out she sent like some super secret stuff on this email server. Like stuff that Congress itself can’t even see and had to be blacked out during the investigation. But don’t worry, no one hacked it except everybody did. Russia, WikiLeaks, some hacker named Guccifer and more, they all got it. Fact, Russia has secret information courtesy of these hacks that our own Congress doesn’t have while investigating this matter. Our state secrets became fodder for foreign governments because Hillary was Hillary 2016 from the get go and not Hillary Secretary of State. As it turns out, what was politically smart was technologically the equivalent of trying to send Vladimir Putin a dick pic on Snapchat but you instead send him Top Secret classified information. Oops, I think that might be illegal because it is.
To Hillary Supporters
You can like her, you really can. If you have been ready for Hillary for the past decade, then you can have her. But are you not worried that a top American official can clearly break the law, the same law for which many members of our military have been prosecuted and walk away without a scratch? The head of the FBI acknowledged she broke the law but said it wasn’t criminal because she didn’t mean to do it. Literally, he said her intent was the deciding factor. Granted, she intended to set up the private server, granted she intended to shield her activities as Sec of State from the American people and granted, she didn’t intend to get caught.
Well thank you Hillary, because I am hereby announcing that I don’t intend to break any future laws that I will in fact break. That might work, but I am not a wealthy politically connected individual so I’m likely screwed and so are you. Look, I don’t like Trump and I don’t like Hillary so don’t take this as some political plea for a vote. Rather take it as a plea to good governance. Take it as a plea that Americans retain the notion our politicians are not above the law. Look, no one cares about Bill Clinton covering up a blow job but if in doing so China could steal our State Secrets then that’s a problem people.
I’m voting for Gary Johnson because I can’t stomach Trump and yet, I always knew that the Democrat would likely win. But if you want an honest admission, I always hoped it would be Bernie Sanders over Hillary. We still have checks and balances in government to bad ideas, ahem Democratic Socialism, but it has become abundantly clear the American people are helpless against corruption. Did Hillary Clinton commit a crime? Absolutely and even Bernie Sanders supporters are calling her out on it. Did all the American people, left or right, lose out when she can walk away from it free because she didn’t “intend” to do it? Absolutely. We are at political rock bottom people. I do not know what is next for us, but I can assure you that I’m going to need a plethora of remotes to shove in places they shouldn’t be.
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