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One of the perks of running a blog on the “safe space” known as the internet is that I have grown quite accustomed to criticism ranging from the grammatical to the bizarre.  Granted the grammatical feedback is well deserved as my writing has been known to send a few of my favorite editors into an epileptic seizure.  However, I am not entirely certain what I did to deserve being told, and this is a full quotation, “Go choke on a bowl full of Michelle Obama dicks.  You’re a disgrace to the uniform.”  Despite being completely unaware the first lady had any male genitalia, to say nothing of a number which would require a bowl in which to eat them, I appreciate all dissent here on Unprecedented Mediocrity.  For the most part, you guys of all political stripes have been pretty solid about avoiding trolling and it’s just good natured intellectually honest debate with a healthy infusion of the absurd.  And in appreciation, I’d like to offer all you my full-proof plan for not just surviving as much advice goes, but winning your family’s post-election Thanksgiving day debate.  And since the best defense is a strong offense, I’ll do it by telling you how to take down these various family members that you will encounter.

The Hillary Clinton Supporter

By far the most fragile of the group, many will tell you to take it easy on them during their grieving period.  But just like trying to fight back the puke when you know it’s inevitable, you just have to let it happen.  You’ll feel better, I promise.  How do you defeat a Hillary supporter at Thanksgiving?  You have to make them go full-triggered.  I didn’t stutter when I said it, fire everything.Girlfriend

Over this past election, we have all watched our family members weigh in through social media so everyone already knows where each stand.  For Trump supporters seated next to their millennial niece or cousin who just got back from their first year at university this should particularly joyful.  Personally, I’d start off with a, “you mad cuz?”  Partner that phrase with a snarky smile and the journey begins.  Perhaps they try to just avoid the conversation, but it’s a long dinner so stay with it.

Keeping with the subtle theme at first be sure and compliment the food in this manner.  “Hey cuz, can you passed the mashed potatoes, mom really made potatoes great again.”  Once you serve up a healthy dose of mashed potatoes, proceed to turn them into a wall keeping the gravy from overflowing onto your green beans.  Explain to the whole family out loud that you don’t like it when gravy mixes with your veggies without permission and logic dictates that a wall will keep it out.  I’m mean if it works for potatoes and gravy it will work for anything.  Really drive this point home.

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Wrap it up by calling the Turkey a “nasty bird, nasty nasty bird who got what it deserved.” Then offer your cuz some ham saying, “I realize Turkey might be the more “popular” thanksgiving meat, but you’re going to be eating what I like for the next 4 years so you better get used to it.”  Debate won, victory accomplished as she throws her plate across the room and runs out in a tearful rage.  Your parents will tell you that you ruined Thanksgiving to which you reply, no mom, I just made Thanksgiving great again.

The Donald Trump Supporter

Now some may think this group would be a hard one to bring down due to them riding high on their election win.  However, as an avid #NeverTrumper myself who had to eat a lot of crow, it can be done.  You see, the Trump presidency at this point is all potential and there is really no record on which to debate.  He really could be great or he really could be horrible.  So you have to emphasize the potential for the horrible.  Trump supporters are Patriots and when pressed, they admit they are as fearful, albeit optimistically so, about what is to come.  So bring in a little history and you might have a chance.  When cuz gives you the pro-Trump line you say with dignity, “Congrats and I hope he does well for our country.  After all, nothing would be worst for America than to have another Herbert Hoover on our hands.”  Take a look at this “Hooverville.”

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Now, contrary to much maligning, Trump supporters are not ignorant.  So you may very well find them students of history, but let’s face the fact that Herbert Hoover is hardly interesting history.  Consequently, they might ask “What do you mean by that?”  It’s at this point that you explain Herbert Hoover won the Presidency in a landslide in 1928 with 58% of the vote.  However, his policies were so bad and out of touch with the way the world actually worked he exacerbated a precarious economy to see 25% unemployment by 1932.  He passed the Smoot-Hawley Tariff which sent global trade spiraling down and despite running as a Republican was forced to raise taxes exponentially.

You then wrap it up by saying, “Hoover was such a bad President that he ushered in 20-years of Democrat rule in the White House.”  You indicate that you are not “saying” that is Donald Trump, you are just saying history proves it entirely possible.  By 1932 Hoover ran for reelection and lost in a landslide.  You then say that you hope that Trump does make America great again, but if he doesn’t there will be electoral hell to pay for the next couple of decades.  “Pass the bourbon cuz, Trump is on the clock and I want to be wasted when he grabs me by the *&^%$.”  Whoever is President of any party now bears the burden the candidate version dreads.  The need for real outcomes.

The Gary Johnson Supporter

This category is a little more complicated, but it is the one into which I fell.  I took my fair share of political flack from Trump supporters over this as “a vote for Johnson is a vote for Hillary.”  However, in a remarkable twist of fate, the evidence shows us that a “vote for Johnson was actually a vote for Trump.”  By most exit poll data, Hillary was much more likely to flip the average Johnson voter towards her and not against her.  So if Johnson had stayed the 1% anomaly as in the past Hillary Clinton wins.  All that to say, you’re welcome.  But on with the attack.

If there is any part of you that believes your relative Gary Johnson voter would have preferred Hillary you have to go for the jugular.  And this will require some Homework.  Find out which state they voted in, pull the numbers of what would have happened if Hillary got half of 3rd Party support and turn that junk into Thanksgiving placemats.  The fun thing is that you can do this whether you are pro-Hillary or pro-Trump.

And for the win on this Thanksgiving political assault, I’m going to need you to secure the rights to Thanksgiving Day prayer.  Follow this script and you will win like a boss:  “Dear Lord, thank you for saving grace which saves us while we were enemies of you.  We don’t deserve it, but your grace is sufficient.  I also want to thank you for this beautiful meal, family, and friends.  I also want to thank you for Aunt Carol who voted for Gary Johnson.  Without her, Hillary Clinton would be President.”  It’s really that simple my friends.  Losers always complain about doing their best.  Winners go home and play chutes and ladders with the Prom Queen.

In Conclusion

Everyone is telling you how to act gracefully this Thanksgiving and I’m all like, just get it out of your system.  You are family people and if one Presidential election causes this much discord you might be adopted.  Not really, adoptive families are totally legit.  But above all, I teach my kids we take care of family.  Friends will come and go, but family takes care of family.  Make a Hillary supporter trigger herself inside a boat full of gravy.  Make a Trump supporter sweat with buyer’s remorse.  And make a Johnson supporter believe they ushered in whatever it was they feared most.  Go for the jugular this Thanksgiving for Bea Arthur expects nothing less.

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Get it out this year at Thanksgiving and enjoy the rest for a lifetime to come.  If you literally can’t handle political criticism from your own blood, then your lack of emotional resiliency is your problem and not your family’s.  Well, maybe your parents.  Attack at will, my friends, show no mercy, and get er done.  If you find yourself cornered, just stand up and scream, “Bea Arthur’s panties would never allow this.”  Win this Thanksgiving and you just might actually make America Great Again.  Because perhaps when your family can yell at each other again with love, so can America.

Post your Family Thanksgiving Political Debate on This Page and I’ll Share the Video.  My Promise!

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3 Replies to “How to Win Your Post-Election Thanksgiving Argument Like a Boss”

  1. Trolling the Gary Johnson supporters; guess you’ll have to wait a while longer for marijuana to be legalized…

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